Back to China. Came to Shanghai.

People around have been asking the reason of this seemingly unreasonable resignation - obviously I was making a forture in Dubai. For that fastidious manager? For my master degree in Acupuncture? Or, simpler, for a brank-new start? The answer seems to be clear yet I am lost in the stream of infinite confusion. There are times I feel I am destined to be some places in this world. First Nanning, now Shanghai. The invisible force that keep us moving towards its surly end has never failed to anticipate my next stop. So here I am.

Shanghai is a marverlous place. Crowded, boisterous fast-pace. Pretty much like the way people live in Dubai. But it is that blow of freezing air, a cucomber of familiar appearance, and that lousy shouting of pedestrians that remind me of every single second that I am home. I am at China.

May the Force be with me.

The weather is cooling off again. The sky is no longer dusted. And sun seems to be getting tired of torturing, became somehow gentle. Occasionally some cool breeze comes from far east reminds me that the winter is coming. This morning, I noticed that the running water is not unbearably hot any more.

Time passes as we passing through. I am 24 now, and before soon, I will be 25, leaving the innocent youth behind. In every reviewing of all the spiritual endurance I have experienced in the last 10 month in Dubai, I can' t help but contemplate into the deepest of my mind, to see what has been changed. There, for the first time in my life, I unpredictably found something truly astounding. 

I saw a scared child.

A few weeks ago, when I was asking Stephanie on MSN for her insight of my constant, ungovernable fear towards my boss, she came up with a very convincing theory:" The reason your emotional reaction is so intensive to your boss' s threat of firing you because you are placing him in the position of your farther, who was the only one your depended on when you were a vulnerable child. Now your boss' s threat of firing you and sending you back to China, perhaps in your conscience level, becomes a signal that your farther is pushing you away, depriving your food and clothing."

She was right. For long I believe my basic fault is fear – fear that I have no right to EXIST and cannot EXIST without care and attention from others.

I recall my farther once told me:"You mother did not want you when she was pregnant. She thought about abortion." Yes, I have always sensed some anger and hostility from her. I think it was that thought of abortion let her became emotionally disconnected from me and made me felt abandoned. To her this event may have been negligible, but to me it was very traumatic.

I had to defend myself. I defend myself by simply drawing back into that fantasize world of mine. This defense had become habitual, and I use it in any situation in which I feel threatened. But this time the consequence of doing so is unacceptable: " Going back to China with failure?! Never!"

Since I was child I dedicated myself to study. Now I know why. To compensate for this defense of flying away I try to hold myself together on the personality level. Whenever I interact with others I would speak in a depersonalized language, in absolutes, quotations, and tend to intellectualize (Like Vulcans in Star Trek or Agent Scolly in The X-File). But now I realize that this only brings on more experience of being separate from life and not truly EXISTING.

I could not deal with the abandoning fear because I was completely dependent upon those I found terrifying. Oh all those anger, sarcasm and humiliation … Resistance was futile.

I started to sleep with girls I don' t love, suffering all those hollowness when the passion subsided. Maybe I was just trying to find a way to connect to reality through sexuality.

How wrong I was...

3 months after my arrival at Dubai, I found release from my inner fear of "annihilation" when I, as an adult, realize that my fear is more related to my inner rage than anything else. The rage from continuing to experience the world as a very cold, hostile place where isolation is forced upon anyone who wants to SURVIVE! (If you review my previous dairy on Xanga) Under this rage is the great pain of knowing that what I need is love, a warming connection.

A wise man once said: " When the world abandons you, love thy self. " I know self-love takes practice, it comes from living according to my inner truth, whatever that may be.

Thank you David. Like what you taught, I taped my shoulder, and said to myself: "Good job! "

I fear no more.

Beauty will be found if you seek

I saw the beauty of Dubai.

This is a foggy morning. One cannot see beyond 100 meters. On the way to the clinic, 3 building gradually showed themselves in the mist. Sunlight was shining from their back as if they were glooming from within. Seeing this, I murmured something. After a few seconds, I was astonished when recalling what I just said:" The holy palace..." Funny. I thought I' d never like this place. This scene also reminds me of Monkey King and his master on their quest to the West, of what they were saying when they finally arrived at Indian, shocked by the view of those spectacular Buddhist temples.